Thanks to the gods

Physical possessions shouldn't be so important to me, though what I've lost had value to me, it hurts what and who I won't see again because I care more about my own sanity and mental health than people. I'm allowed to mourn when I think back, but it's never where I'll stay. I choose myself, my cats, and the future I strive for. I thank the gods for all I've been able to keep. I give thanks to the gods for the hope and promise for a better future. I thank the gods for knowing and showing me what I need, though it may not always be what I want.

Heavy but Determined

I hurt because of all I've lost. On one side of my mind, I know I could've just let people stay in my life or stayed in the states where I maybe could've gotten to keep my books and library. But staying stuck has never been for me. Staying in one place, one mindset, one mental state is not where I've ever wanted to be. I have been brainwashed already, and I don't intend to go back. Keeping people in my life that choose to cause mental, emotional and physical trauma and won't accept communication or follow boundaries, are not people I want to be like. I'm a human, and I've made mistakes. I've owned them and I've apologized sincerely. The people I left behind have not and won't, even if I beg. I need to keep me safe and happy, and keeping people that are actively trying to drag me down with them (whether they know it or not), are people that won't let you grow into who you actually need to be. If you are a person from my past reading this and you're feeling anger about this, don't look at me. Face yourself and truly acknowledge what you have done and forgive yourself for being a human, and go from there. If you choose not to, then you are still the problem 🖤

How I Hurt

You still never saw the hurt that you caused. You still hurt me, even when I was trying to make things right. You never acted like you wanted me. You dismissed me for calling you out, Instead of hearing and getting better as people. You tore me down so harshly, I became stronger. You tortured me because I didn't know how to do things on my first try. You had a hard time giving me the basics, And not just because we were poor. I'm not mad that we were poor, I'm mad that you made choices and you stick with them today. Because you could never be wrong? Instead of owning up to things, you try to distract by saying "but there were good times too, right?" Yes there were good times!! Bad times are important to talk about though! You make me so angry! I would love to let it go, I really would. Anger is exhausting, still not one of my favorite emotions. But anger is an emotion that gets to raise it's own wave. And you will get no mercy from it, my anger has been held back long enough. If you think you deserve mercy, I would ask how? You have only ever gotten worse as a person over the years. You've gotten worse at hiding your manipulation and malice though, thanks for that. I laughed when you told me you stood up for me. That's not something you do or did for me. And you said it as I was saying my last goodbyes to you? Oh the laugh was bitter, but it was good. You don't know or see you like I see you. You never saw me as I saw you. It's like you thought you were invisible, But I was watching you and trying to be like you. I wanted you to act like you liked me so bad, but you were only ever controlling and angry with me. But why did you choose me to cry on the shoulder of in the middle of the night? How can you not realize that that hurts too? You would come in while I was sleeping, crying on me, I would wake up to your tears. WHY WAS I YOUR PUNCHING BAG, BUT ALSO YOUR COMFORT? Why would you do that to me? Why can't you see what you've done to me and own it AT LEAST? Why couldn't you love me when I needed it most? The purpose of a child is not to have little servants or little useful things to throw around. Children are new and represent new life or beauty. Children should be loved and taught, not broken and neglected. Especially as one that wants fetuses to live no matter what, that should always have been your main goal. To show love to a child is to be selfless to a selfish being that knows nothing. You are supposed to show and provide love and nurturing to all of the children. Not just the ones you like.

N&C Difference

The difference between narcissism and confidence is: Narcissists hate themselves and compensate for that by manipulating, tearing people apart and acting as if they are the best, and they won't acknowledge the bad that they do as bad. Confidence means you can acknowledge the good AND the bad, and you can love yourself even a little bit. It's one aspect of narcissism, but it's an aspect that empathetic people pleasers have a really hard time staying away from.

I AM DONE

The thing that bothers me most is that I've been working on healing myself for about 2 years now. I thought that my relationship with my family was getting better but I think that was just my hope for when I initially spoke to my mom about what she did to me. I thought that maybe I'd be shown any ounce of respect but no. There was only "you also need to respect my boundaries" when it came to MY PRONOUNS WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER. I went with it because I always have and it became another habit, it was another blind hope that she and my family would respect me. But they will never respect something that they've always treated to be a slave to their excuses and misguided actions. I am only an accessory to my family, once a devoted Christian but now a witch. I have tried to keep my family in a safe light of some kind. Now I know that they are not safe to me. They have decided I mean nothing to them. That has broken my heart so many times but now something must be done about it. If my family wants to reach out. They'd rather be around my toxic grandma who refuses to even try to change but she says she's a Christian though she has never lived as one from what I was told a Christian was. I lived as the Christian I was told to be though there were some setbacks because I asked questions instead of believing what I was told. I'm not sorry about it anymore. Asking questions and learning is a good way to solidify belief. I'm a witch because I feel I can freely learn and believe as well as be healed through a lot of work instead of continuing to push things down. I am me. I'm good. I am doing it. I deserve the right love.

The Christian God is an episode of 16 and Pregnant (I promise im not just mad at my mom or sister)

According to the church and how I grew up, God was said to have made us in his image. As I grew up I tried listening to the Christian God and how he wanted me be, act, what he wanted me to do and I was torn down by the family that I was put into as well as the friends I was given. I was only an accessory that said "these parents are doing well" or showing that I was problem because I asked questions instead of just accepting what was hammered into me. I did what he told me but it wasn't good enough. It wasn't good enough because I had to listen to my parents, it's in the Bible, look it up. I'm supposed to listen to my parents until I'm married. I tried to do exactly what they wanted, I wanted to be seen, heard and understood by them. I never was. One of my sisters took that role, and no it wasn't even the youngest. The youngest and I at least got along at all where this one sister, she lied, cheated, stole constantly, exaggerated and blamed things on me while I was just trying to do what I was meant to. And of course that sister has everything including my parents always on her side. You know who else is on her side? The Christian God. The Christian God cast me aside a long time ago, now I've cast him aside and of course he has tried to come back into my life while having the energy of one of my exes that molested me. He wanted me when I've been craving his love as well as my parents love since I was small. But I was taught to hate myself. I was taught to kill myself for anyone else instead of knowing that I was myself for a reason and it was okay. It was better Than okay for me to be myself. It's exactly what the world needs. They need my but most of all, I need me. I need me to understand and love me. I need me to do what scares me. I need me to heal. I need me to do what I need to do to get myself to where I can feel free. I can be free from these burdens of my family that were put on me from the beginning. I can be free and wonderful, smart and cute. I can be anything I need or want to be because I am now free. In other words, I am no longer a Christian. I haven't been one for a little while now and I didn't realize how much sick trauma that that religion has. I gobbled it all up too for far too long. Now I'm free to be myself and laugh with the gods that have shown their love and their intent with me. They act as if I'm important where the Christian God acts as if you're nothing special. The way I've learned Jehovah likes to show that you're special is by turning away and act as if you don't exist. Now I realize how fucked up that is. It's some kind of fucked up Stockholm syndrome, reverse psychology bullshit. You ignore to allow them to blossom? Sometimes you need more love. When you have a mind that tells you that everything you've ever done has fucked up everyone else's lives, you need more love. Constructive criticism is love but apparently there's a fine line. For example, one day my mom was telling me how photogenic a friend was. I asked if I was and she said no. Now that I've come out as non binary she likes to tell me how beautiful I am. She like to call me a "she" and "tries" to be respectful. She tells me that she wants to feel comfortable when she wasn't ever the one to help me feel comfortable. I did that. That's why I was Hyper self efficient as my therapist told me. I was that way because I felt my parents were unable to take care of me. When I said it out loud, I realized I really have been taking care of myself all my life. Yes, my parents bought clothes for me when I needed them and fed me when they could but they honestly got to the point where they basically were getting in the way of me taking care of myself spiritually and mentally. Now, as a non binary and almost 30 year old person, I don't want myself most of the time. I've thought I was disgusting and didn't like the word "deserve" because I never felt I "deserved" anything. Why? Because I was taught to hate myself. I was taught to lie to myself if it suited the "Almighty". I was taught to hurt myself but keep it down, "everyone else is more important than your feelings or your hurts". I was taught a lot of lies. From family and friends. From pastors and priests. From the Christian God. Ive been able to find a much better path that is helping me heal, in not just continuing to be angry at everyone that has and is doing me wrong. I'm learning to let go of burdens because they aren't mine and they never were. I took on everyone's burdens, feeling responsible for it in some way. They were never mine though. I took them but now I'm giving it all back, piece by piece, because I don't know how to do it any other way! But I'm learning as I'm helping my heart and my mind heal so that I may do as I must to get better.

I am Worth Less

I am Worth Less. I don't tell myself that constantly anymore. It comes in random waves less than before. I'm Worth Less. I'm worth more than what I used to tell myself at least. My heart feels less broken but that's because I pieced [it back together] I'm Worth Less. I'm not but my mind says I am. People use me, how can I not feel like a sham? I'm Worth Less. I can't untangle my brain's yarn of grief. I wish I could say these feelings would be brief. I'm Worth Less. I fight with my brain, I'm told that's strange. It's true, apparently I have no serotonin in my range. I'm Worth Less. I'm not someone people should want to be. I'm so broken, I don't want to let people see. I'm Worth Less Don't tell me what I need to do. I have the map, I don't need your sack of poo. I am Worth Less I walk around practicing how to smile. As I walk, I realise I've already gone a mile. I'm Worth Less. I can't believe the world today. People blatantly ignore it and that's just not okay. I'm worth less. I hold my head and try to cry quietly. So many people act as thought they just have a sense of 'piety' I am worth less. I can't stop my head from thinking. Tears roll down my face the more that I am blinking. It's all unbelievable. It's all a joke. So as I lay my head down to rest. I can't help but smoke.

When I wake up in the morning, I feel cared for. I feel loved and I feel happier, maybe I'm just numb. I feel as if I can have fun with the day! As the day drags on. I feel lonely. I feel how no one cares. I'm just a little firefly. Some find me fascinating at times while others find me to be a disgusting creature that they have deemed an embarrassment to society and their plans for their lives. I'm not sure what I'm here for. I feel like there really is a purpose for me but I feel as though its almost like my destiny to be bullied into doing what others want me to do. My family bullied me. Apparently the church told them to try and break a spirit that asked questions instead of just believing what they were told. I don't know why that makes sense to anyone. The way I was treated, it's surprising that I didn't just turn to all the drugs I could find and O.D. because I was made to feel like a piece of shit because someone else took hold of minds instead of being shown love. The reason I didn't turn to drugs or anything for a long time was because I told myself I wouldn't. Sometimes I want to change my mind because what's the point? I've been made to feel as though I am useless for most of my life. Maybe because I don't think like most people do. I don't like a lot of music that most people like. I'm just me and I can't change myself. You wouldn't believe how much I've tried. I've tried to just keep quiet and go with the flow. That's when I'm asked to speak up. When I do speak up I get ridiculed for not just instantly knowing something that apparently everyone else knows. I get ridiculed for not answering right away, thinking about my answer instead of spouting someone else's to seem cool. I'm currently not okay. I have so much weight on my shoulders. I finally now have someone that really tries to help me with that weight but I'm not good at allowing that. I carry the weight so others may be happy, that's how it's supposed to be right? No. No it's really not. I can be myself. I can lift these weights alone but I finally don't have to do it alone. How I got here to this point, I don't know. But I'm glad I waited. (This isn't an "unalive" note by the way. it's just I've been going through a lot and I need to really vent about it.)

Ramblings about me

With my ramblings, they bring some kind of comfort to know that I got them out there whether people really see them or not. They help my psyche even a little bit. There's sadness, there's happiness and funny stuff, there's angry ramblings as I'm trying to process the feelings that I might have. It calms me because I've never been great at speaking me feelings but writing them down helps me because I know what I'm feeling, but seeing it, it helps me see how I really feel and then I can go back and figure out how to treat myself. How to help myself. I've always had a hard time helping myself in ways that are needed. I was always the mom friend that didn't have children and so secretly (in my introverted mind) my friends are my children. When I was growing up I was second mom as well as the experiment/fuckup/black sheep child that always got into trouble because they didn't see me. But now I'm an adult with so many mental problems that have to do with my upbringing and so many of the things that happened to me. But now I'm getting better at being myself. I'm getting better at helping myself. I'm getting closer to staying in the present instead of staring into the past or trying to guess the future. I am me. I might be non binary. I am pansexual. I am probably autistic. I watch Game Grumps to help me in so many areas. I'm watching them right now even! Rocket League, so very funny. I love to laugh at things. I like to laugh at people. I like to make stories for peoples lives in my mind. What they might be going through in their lives. I try to figure out how I could help them if they ask for it. I love affection. I love cuddles. I love attention (In certain circumstances). I like to ramble and write as I need and want to. I like to find inspiration for my life as well as in my stories that I love creating. I love to love people. I also hate to love people because I've found most of my love has gone to the wrong people. I can love people, there's just either A light touch of snow like love and there's the dangerous blizzard of love. I, more often than not, give the blizzard love. I rush in and try to protect people in whatever way they need. I never expect praise. But I never expect them to tell me stop because I was in the way or they could take care of themselves, don't interfere. My helping isn't showing whether or not I think you can do it yourself, I just wanted to be your back up that's obviously ready if needed. I'm sorry for rushing in. I'm sorry I can't help you. I'm sorry... This is not a suicide note. This is just my mind at the moment. Thank you whoever reads this. I appreciate you. And I love you. Goodnight.

What if him?

I don't want him to become broken because I'm not sure how I'd be able to pick up his pieces or give him some of mine. I'm already broken in so many ways. Is there any way that I can even be of any help? I feel hopeless and helpless while I try to tell him everything will be okay. He's so strong even though I know about the little boy inside trying to get out and be who he really wants to be. I try to coax him out a little but his friends and family rush him back in again. How can I be his strong person when everything around us is so much louder than I am? Is it possible for me to lead him back to the light when I'm also in the dark? We've gotten closer to the light together but there's definitely a ways away to get there, to feel its warmth and complete happiness. Is this like the blind leading the blind? Or is it simply the growth that we're both supposed to go through together? All I want to do is help without stopping that growth. How do I do that without walking away from the light that we're going towards as well as help him along? How can I carry him when he's been carrying me pretty much the whole time? I just want him to feel my support in a healthy way. What is healthy? So many questions and no one to answer. All I know is I'm here and we'll go through this together one way or another. But he didn't lose and he didn't break. My mind can be more calm, happy that things continue in a less terrifying way.