Ramblings about me

With my ramblings, they bring some kind of comfort to know that I got them out there whether people really see them or not. They help my psyche even a little bit. There's sadness, there's happiness and funny stuff, there's angry ramblings as I'm trying to process the feelings that I might have. It calms me because I've never been great at speaking me feelings but writing them down helps me because I know what I'm feeling, but seeing it, it helps me see how I really feel and then I can go back and figure out how to treat myself. How to help myself. I've always had a hard time helping myself in ways that are needed. I was always the mom friend that didn't have children and so secretly (in my introverted mind) my friends are my children. When I was growing up I was second mom as well as the experiment/fuckup/black sheep child that always got into trouble because they didn't see me. But now I'm an adult with so many mental problems that have to do with my upbringing and so many of the things that happened to me. But now I'm getting better at being myself. I'm getting better at helping myself. I'm getting closer to staying in the present instead of staring into the past or trying to guess the future. I am me. I might be non binary. I am pansexual. I am probably autistic. I watch Game Grumps to help me in so many areas. I'm watching them right now even! Rocket League, so very funny. I love to laugh at things. I like to laugh at people. I like to make stories for peoples lives in my mind. What they might be going through in their lives. I try to figure out how I could help them if they ask for it. I love affection. I love cuddles. I love attention (In certain circumstances). I like to ramble and write as I need and want to. I like to find inspiration for my life as well as in my stories that I love creating. I love to love people. I also hate to love people because I've found most of my love has gone to the wrong people. I can love people, there's just either A light touch of snow like love and there's the dangerous blizzard of love. I, more often than not, give the blizzard love. I rush in and try to protect people in whatever way they need. I never expect praise. But I never expect them to tell me stop because I was in the way or they could take care of themselves, don't interfere. My helping isn't showing whether or not I think you can do it yourself, I just wanted to be your back up that's obviously ready if needed. I'm sorry for rushing in. I'm sorry I can't help you. I'm sorry... This is not a suicide note. This is just my mind at the moment. Thank you whoever reads this. I appreciate you. And I love you. Goodnight.