I AM DONE

The thing that bothers me most is that I've been working on healing myself for about 2 years now. I thought that my relationship with my family was getting better but I think that was just my hope for when I initially spoke to my mom about what she did to me. I thought that maybe I'd be shown any ounce of respect but no. There was only "you also need to respect my boundaries" when it came to MY PRONOUNS WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER. I went with it because I always have and it became another habit, it was another blind hope that she and my family would respect me. But they will never respect something that they've always treated to be a slave to their excuses and misguided actions. I am only an accessory to my family, once a devoted Christian but now a witch. I have tried to keep my family in a safe light of some kind. Now I know that they are not safe to me. They have decided I mean nothing to them. That has broken my heart so many times but now something must be done about it. If my family wants to reach out. They'd rather be around my toxic grandma who refuses to even try to change but she says she's a Christian though she has never lived as one from what I was told a Christian was. I lived as the Christian I was told to be though there were some setbacks because I asked questions instead of believing what I was told. I'm not sorry about it anymore. Asking questions and learning is a good way to solidify belief. I'm a witch because I feel I can freely learn and believe as well as be healed through a lot of work instead of continuing to push things down. I am me. I'm good. I am doing it. I deserve the right love.

The Christian God is an episode of 16 and Pregnant (I promise im not just mad at my mom or sister)

According to the church and how I grew up, God was said to have made us in his image. As I grew up I tried listening to the Christian God and how he wanted me be, act, what he wanted me to do and I was torn down by the family that I was put into as well as the friends I was given. I was only an accessory that said "these parents are doing well" or showing that I was problem because I asked questions instead of just accepting what was hammered into me. I did what he told me but it wasn't good enough. It wasn't good enough because I had to listen to my parents, it's in the Bible, look it up. I'm supposed to listen to my parents until I'm married. I tried to do exactly what they wanted, I wanted to be seen, heard and understood by them. I never was. One of my sisters took that role, and no it wasn't even the youngest. The youngest and I at least got along at all where this one sister, she lied, cheated, stole constantly, exaggerated and blamed things on me while I was just trying to do what I was meant to. And of course that sister has everything including my parents always on her side. You know who else is on her side? The Christian God. The Christian God cast me aside a long time ago, now I've cast him aside and of course he has tried to come back into my life while having the energy of one of my exes that molested me. He wanted me when I've been craving his love as well as my parents love since I was small. But I was taught to hate myself. I was taught to kill myself for anyone else instead of knowing that I was myself for a reason and it was okay. It was better Than okay for me to be myself. It's exactly what the world needs. They need my but most of all, I need me. I need me to understand and love me. I need me to do what scares me. I need me to heal. I need me to do what I need to do to get myself to where I can feel free. I can be free from these burdens of my family that were put on me from the beginning. I can be free and wonderful, smart and cute. I can be anything I need or want to be because I am now free. In other words, I am no longer a Christian. I haven't been one for a little while now and I didn't realize how much sick trauma that that religion has. I gobbled it all up too for far too long. Now I'm free to be myself and laugh with the gods that have shown their love and their intent with me. They act as if I'm important where the Christian God acts as if you're nothing special. The way I've learned Jehovah likes to show that you're special is by turning away and act as if you don't exist. Now I realize how fucked up that is. It's some kind of fucked up Stockholm syndrome, reverse psychology bullshit. You ignore to allow them to blossom? Sometimes you need more love. When you have a mind that tells you that everything you've ever done has fucked up everyone else's lives, you need more love. Constructive criticism is love but apparently there's a fine line. For example, one day my mom was telling me how photogenic a friend was. I asked if I was and she said no. Now that I've come out as non binary she likes to tell me how beautiful I am. She like to call me a "she" and "tries" to be respectful. She tells me that she wants to feel comfortable when she wasn't ever the one to help me feel comfortable. I did that. That's why I was Hyper self efficient as my therapist told me. I was that way because I felt my parents were unable to take care of me. When I said it out loud, I realized I really have been taking care of myself all my life. Yes, my parents bought clothes for me when I needed them and fed me when they could but they honestly got to the point where they basically were getting in the way of me taking care of myself spiritually and mentally. Now, as a non binary and almost 30 year old person, I don't want myself most of the time. I've thought I was disgusting and didn't like the word "deserve" because I never felt I "deserved" anything. Why? Because I was taught to hate myself. I was taught to lie to myself if it suited the "Almighty". I was taught to hurt myself but keep it down, "everyone else is more important than your feelings or your hurts". I was taught a lot of lies. From family and friends. From pastors and priests. From the Christian God. Ive been able to find a much better path that is helping me heal, in not just continuing to be angry at everyone that has and is doing me wrong. I'm learning to let go of burdens because they aren't mine and they never were. I took on everyone's burdens, feeling responsible for it in some way. They were never mine though. I took them but now I'm giving it all back, piece by piece, because I don't know how to do it any other way! But I'm learning as I'm helping my heart and my mind heal so that I may do as I must to get better.

I am Worth Less

I am Worth Less. I don't tell myself that constantly anymore. It comes in random waves less than before. I'm Worth Less. I'm worth more than what I used to tell myself at least. My heart feels less broken but that's because I pieced [it back together] I'm Worth Less. I'm not but my mind says I am. People use me, how can I not feel like a sham? I'm Worth Less. I can't untangle my brain's yarn of grief. I wish I could say these feelings would be brief. I'm Worth Less. I fight with my brain, I'm told that's strange. It's true, apparently I have no serotonin in my range. I'm Worth Less. I'm not someone people should want to be. I'm so broken, I don't want to let people see. I'm Worth Less Don't tell me what I need to do. I have the map, I don't need your sack of poo. I am Worth Less I walk around practicing how to smile. As I walk, I realise I've already gone a mile. I'm Worth Less. I can't believe the world today. People blatantly ignore it and that's just not okay. I'm worth less. I hold my head and try to cry quietly. So many people act as thought they just have a sense of 'piety' I am worth less. I can't stop my head from thinking. Tears roll down my face the more that I am blinking. It's all unbelievable. It's all a joke. So as I lay my head down to rest. I can't help but smoke.

When I wake up in the morning, I feel cared for. I feel loved and I feel happier, maybe I'm just numb. I feel as if I can have fun with the day! As the day drags on. I feel lonely. I feel how no one cares. I'm just a little firefly. Some find me fascinating at times while others find me to be a disgusting creature that they have deemed an embarrassment to society and their plans for their lives. I'm not sure what I'm here for. I feel like there really is a purpose for me but I feel as though its almost like my destiny to be bullied into doing what others want me to do. My family bullied me. Apparently the church told them to try and break a spirit that asked questions instead of just believing what they were told. I don't know why that makes sense to anyone. The way I was treated, it's surprising that I didn't just turn to all the drugs I could find and O.D. because I was made to feel like a piece of shit because someone else took hold of minds instead of being shown love. The reason I didn't turn to drugs or anything for a long time was because I told myself I wouldn't. Sometimes I want to change my mind because what's the point? I've been made to feel as though I am useless for most of my life. Maybe because I don't think like most people do. I don't like a lot of music that most people like. I'm just me and I can't change myself. You wouldn't believe how much I've tried. I've tried to just keep quiet and go with the flow. That's when I'm asked to speak up. When I do speak up I get ridiculed for not just instantly knowing something that apparently everyone else knows. I get ridiculed for not answering right away, thinking about my answer instead of spouting someone else's to seem cool. I'm currently not okay. I have so much weight on my shoulders. I finally now have someone that really tries to help me with that weight but I'm not good at allowing that. I carry the weight so others may be happy, that's how it's supposed to be right? No. No it's really not. I can be myself. I can lift these weights alone but I finally don't have to do it alone. How I got here to this point, I don't know. But I'm glad I waited. (This isn't an "unalive" note by the way. it's just I've been going through a lot and I need to really vent about it.)