Heavy but Determined

I hurt because of all I've lost. On one side of my mind, I know I could've just let people stay in my life or stayed in the states where I maybe could've gotten to keep my books and library. But staying stuck has never been for me. Staying in one place, one mindset, one mental state is not where I've ever wanted to be. I have been brainwashed already, and I don't intend to go back. Keeping people in my life that choose to cause mental, emotional and physical trauma and won't accept communication or follow boundaries, are not people I want to be like. I'm a human, and I've made mistakes. I've owned them and I've apologized sincerely. The people I left behind have not and won't, even if I beg. I need to keep me safe and happy, and keeping people that are actively trying to drag me down with them (whether they know it or not), are people that won't let you grow into who you actually need to be. If you are a person from my past reading this and you're feeling anger about this, don't look at me. Face yourself and truly acknowledge what you have done and forgive yourself for being a human, and go from there. If you choose not to, then you are still the problem 🖤

How I Hurt

You still never saw the hurt that you caused. You still hurt me, even when I was trying to make things right. You never acted like you wanted me. You dismissed me for calling you out, Instead of hearing and getting better as people. You tore me down so harshly, I became stronger. You tortured me because I didn't know how to do things on my first try. You had a hard time giving me the basics, And not just because we were poor. I'm not mad that we were poor, I'm mad that you made choices and you stick with them today. Because you could never be wrong? Instead of owning up to things, you try to distract by saying "but there were good times too, right?" Yes there were good times!! Bad times are important to talk about though! You make me so angry! I would love to let it go, I really would. Anger is exhausting, still not one of my favorite emotions. But anger is an emotion that gets to raise it's own wave. And you will get no mercy from it, my anger has been held back long enough. If you think you deserve mercy, I would ask how? You have only ever gotten worse as a person over the years. You've gotten worse at hiding your manipulation and malice though, thanks for that. I laughed when you told me you stood up for me. That's not something you do or did for me. And you said it as I was saying my last goodbyes to you? Oh the laugh was bitter, but it was good. You don't know or see you like I see you. You never saw me as I saw you. It's like you thought you were invisible, But I was watching you and trying to be like you. I wanted you to act like you liked me so bad, but you were only ever controlling and angry with me. But why did you choose me to cry on the shoulder of in the middle of the night? How can you not realize that that hurts too? You would come in while I was sleeping, crying on me, I would wake up to your tears. WHY WAS I YOUR PUNCHING BAG, BUT ALSO YOUR COMFORT? Why would you do that to me? Why can't you see what you've done to me and own it AT LEAST? Why couldn't you love me when I needed it most? The purpose of a child is not to have little servants or little useful things to throw around. Children are new and represent new life or beauty. Children should be loved and taught, not broken and neglected. Especially as one that wants fetuses to live no matter what, that should always have been your main goal. To show love to a child is to be selfless to a selfish being that knows nothing. You are supposed to show and provide love and nurturing to all of the children. Not just the ones you like.

N&C Difference

The difference between narcissism and confidence is: Narcissists hate themselves and compensate for that by manipulating, tearing people apart and acting as if they are the best, and they won't acknowledge the bad that they do as bad. Confidence means you can acknowledge the good AND the bad, and you can love yourself even a little bit. It's one aspect of narcissism, but it's an aspect that empathetic people pleasers have a really hard time staying away from.