Confused and Hurt

I have these times when I feel confused and lost. It happens when I feel as though I've lost someone (As in a friend that suddenly doesn't seem to care anymore) and then I'm not sure what to do with myself. I feel like walls are closing in and I can't do anything because the world ignores me no matter how much I scream at it. I feel as though the walls are being put up as I'm trying to tear them down. I can't handle that as often as it seems to happen. I mean, I can, but it's very difficult. It's difficult to find the motivation to tear them down at a certain point. I feel hopeless and helpless. I feel as though I can't go on sometimes. I do because I know that some people need me and I have one person that I know for a fact won't leave me. But she's far away so I still feel alone in two senses. !: Being the loneliness of not having a partner and 2: the loneliness of not having good friends to surround me. It hurts a lot and it's hard to continue but I do anyway. Maybe someone will need me and not feel the need to take advantage of my trying to be helpful. Maybe some day people will feel the need to appreciate me and help build the confidence I lack. Until then, I'll stay a lonely bitch, unappreciated. Constantly wondering what I've done wrong.

Insecure about the Possibilities...?

Something I don't care for and have noticed about people is, even though they're being told "be yourself" and things like that, what it means is "step into this category of the you that we have created". And people buy this and still feel the insecurity of the possibility of being judged. I really hate it because people act confident until they think they might possibly hurt someones feelings. I mean hurting someones feelings isn't nice but people are wimps about their feelings nowadays and are easily offended. Instead of saying sorry because you feel like you should, you should say sorry when you actually feel sorry about something. You shouldn't say things because you think it's the right thing to say in certain situations such as when someone asks your honest opinion. I mean if you're saying what you think they need to hear, that's different. You shouldn't hold back what you think because someone might think you're weird. Seriously, be yourself. Your honestly unique self that does or doesn't do crazy things because you like to or don't like to do them. Maybe you love going in the lake and splashing around crazily but what you tell others is you hate playing in water because mud. Don't be lying to people because you think they might think you're cool. It's extra stress that you don't ever need. Give long hugs. Go into martial arts. Go let the world know your sexual orientation. No matter what you are interested in, you're still a person that has the right to be interested in anything that you are seriously interested in. I feel as thought this hiding and being frightened that people won't accept you for you is absurd and shouldn't matter as much as it obviously does. I mean I am a 20 year old virgin that loves reading, drinking tea and apple juice, loves going to church, and swing dances. It's an interesting combination with my being a hairstylist that doesn't really smoke. I'm also nerdy and very smiley and laugh a lot. I act strange in many ways mostly because I want people to smile and that has worked for me for the most part. I just wish caring and letting go was something more people felt comfortable with doing because I feel as though more people might be happier and be able to take nice, relaxing, deep breaths. I just hope in a few years things might calm down. That is all. Goodnight and see you all on the other side.

Quality...?

Something that a lot of people say is: "I know they used to push me around and hurt me but they've changed." The thing about people saying that is 9 times out of 10 that is a lie that either my friends are telling themselves or a lie for a possible honeymoon phase again only it doesn't last as long. People do this kind of thing to themselves all the time in relationships because they feel as though they have to be in a relationship immediately because, either, everyone of their friends is in a relationship and it's lonely (that's me...), sex is amazing or you just have an opportunity to be with someone that looks attractive whether you like them at all or not. Rushing into relationships is never a good idea no matter what people may tell you. No matter what feelings go rushing through your body from your heart to your mind. Relationships were never meant to be rushed. They may not have been meant to be taken as slowly as some take them but moving slowly is never a bad thing. Getting back into a relationship with someone that just keeps hurting you isn't a good idea though. Getting back into that relationship shows that you are weak, it shows that you are desperate and it shows that you are easily manipulated by those around you. That is never good because most people will take advantage of that and crush your heart. Don't ever settle, that's not how you find your soul mate or what you're looking for in a person. Friendship is never a bad thing before a real, long-term relationship. I've found it's better to be friends first because it's really when you meet someone and get to know them when you realise whether you could spend more time with this person and be with them. Of course, this country seems to be all about sex and how that is the answer to problems when in reality, it brings more pain into the world because all of the lies men and women tell each other. Men and women fake love to get those good feelings for a moment before they move onto the next new and exciting thing. It's not going to stop, I don't expect it to. I will say I wish it would at least slow down. It makes me sad with how much people hurt each other with all the lies they tell each other. Honesty is always the best policy in my book. Anyway, we'll see how the world progresses through these times of hardship and I'll hope for the best with any pain in my heart that comes along for the ride. And now I say goodnight, sleep well and see you all on the other side.

Common Sense?

Sometimes with a great artist, comedian or speaker of some kind, I find people clapping. The only thing is sometimes I feel as though people don't truly understand what they're clapping for. I feel as though sometimes they're clapping because it seems to be the thing to do at the moment. The thing about that is, sometimes silence and listening are required but that's not what some are taught. People feel like they have to make noise and so sometimes people make the wrong noises because they don't truly understand wisdom or truth. But no one corrects them because they should be able to figure it out on their own whether it be years or a day. Some day it might dawn on them that laughing at someone killing themselves is not right whether it's someone they happen to care for or not. Suicide is a very serious and sad thing. Sometimes the knowledge that comes from certain comedians seems to be a test to see how corrupt humanity is. Sometimes I can see pain in the eyes of a comedian because they say something that is serious and people laugh. I just wish people knew when to clap, when to laugh and when to stay silent. It's not just the Christian Comedians that have their important story to share for a while in the middle of their act. Everyone has something to share, let them share it and actually care. More people need more people to care. Not enough people love or care for people in this world. Be kind! Smile! Hug someone! Stop fighting for no reason! Stop hurting because you look good from the outside! Just stop and think about someone else for a change! I think it common sense but common sense isn't exactly the same anymore, lots of people don't know about it. Example: When a friend tells you they're sad, you should never tell them they've been sad too often and to come back to you when they feel better. Real friendship is listening to your friend, being there when they need you though, your friend should be willing to return the favor when needed. That is a healthy friendship relationship. But people are selfish and so those relationships seem to be very one sided and people have settled with that because they feel as though having people around is better than having good friends around because there aren't very many of those. It's sad but true, so very true. And I wish things could change but the only person I can change is myself. All I can do is treat the people around me with the same love and respect I'd like in return whether the people around me decide to return the favor or not. This is the end... Thank you.

Friendly Friends....?

I have been told by many people that you are not able to be 'just friends' with a male if you are female unless they're homosexual. I don't understand that statement. I have and have had male friends that I've been just friends with and for some of them it's been a sort of silent agreement. Others, it's been harder to let know that that was all that would happen in that relationship. Granted, I am a very friendly person which is misinterpreted as flirtaciousness most of the time. But all of my friends know this and anyone who meets me realises this very quickly. I have found that it is possible for one to be friends with a male, just not all males will allow that. Some males the agreement seems to have benefits that women don't want unless they're desperate. Good thing a lot of women seem to be desperate most of the time. Unfortunately, women are known as flimsy and easy or bossy and play hard to get. Women seem to be pretty predictable sometimes though I've noticed men can have their predictability as well though I have met one male that has confused me to no end. I'm not saying that all males and all females are able to be friends and be okay with just that. I am only stating the fact that a female can, in fact, be just friends with a male when given the right circumstances... Thank you and see you all on the other side...

An Ode To Robin Williams?

Dear friends, It was brought to my attention almost a week ago that Robin Williams died. I know at least some of you are tired of hearing about it, you can stop here if you'd like. For the rest, I must say a few things regarding this amazing person. He has made us laugh and cry through his movies and live performances. He has such a friendly look about him, his personality was one of a kind, beautiful and hilarious when he wanted to be. Being a hilarious person he also had his depression, of course. Unfortunately it sounds as if he might have taken his depression too far. I have known a few people to do that this year and it is a very heartbreaking thing to know. Some people don't understand this thing called depression or just don't care. A lot of people seem to just be very good at whining when there is no reason and at the worst times. And so I bring up my next order of business, those that decided to email Robin Williams' daughter and tell her that her father was a loser? How incredibly ignorant must you be for you to say that. Were you bored and you wanted a response? Nothing is exciting enough in your life so you must torture a poor soul that is already being tortured in other ways? How evil can you be to go and drive a dagger further into someones heart? What are you trying to achieve in trying to take someone lower than they already feel? How can you keep kicking at a heart that already feels dead? How inconsiderate, how immature and how terrible can you be? I am so disappointed in this thing called humanity that someone might stoop so low. Just know, if I do meet any that cowardly said such evil things, my fist is in your face immediately. Thank you and goodnight. Sincerely, Agape

Let It Go...

Why does it matter to some people what anyone's sexual orientation is? Why must we be in everyone's face about it? We should be past this, able to accept someone no matter what they decide and not feeling the need to know. We should let people be people no matter who they like. It's like some people can't live without trying to pressure people into telling a truth that doesn't have to be said, explained or made public at any certain time. We should be able to let someone tell us anything like that when they're ready, not when we decide they're ready. It's selfish to decide someone's ready to come out or state that they are straight at a certain point. Let those people just make that decision for themselves, let them ease into what their decision is and let everyone all be treated equally no matter the decision. Stop trying to influence a decision because you're wanting something out of it, it's not cute. It's not the right way to go about things. It's uncomfortable and stressful for everyone. Stop not caring about a person, assuming everything and either leave people alone or actually care. Which means leave people alone.

Why Does This Happen?

What about me keeps you near? Why do you think I'm okay? Your face is so close to mine, is that okay? Should I be allowing that? Oh, your arms are around me. When did I let this happen? Why did I let this happen? Should it continue? Are these feelings real? Why are you here? Are you here to hurt me like everyone else? Will I let you? For now, no. I don't think so. You have no real power over me. Why do I get jealous though? Why does anything you do have any affect on me? Does it truly matter? Should I keep taking these feelings you so generously give me? Why are emotions so bipolar sometimes? Why are people in general so bipolar sometimes? Maybe I should stop. Maybe you should stop. Maybe we should all stop all that we're doing to each other and think for a moment, because we are hurting each other. We hurt everyone so much that they aren't sure who to trust. I'm not sure who to trust. What about me keeps you near? Why do you think I'm safe?

Help Them

I believe people, including myself, don't actually know what to cry about. We don't cry or worry about what truly matters. We don't even think about those without homes because some are told that they chose that life. They didn't think one day, "I want to be homeless and drunk with jerks around me that only think of themselves." They have or had lives of their own. Some of them are bitter. Some don't know what to do with themselves. Some people grew up being homeless and don't know how to get to a better life. They are still normal people. They are only less fortunate. I know so many people that go get drunk every night because they think its fun. How are they better? Because they have homes to go to? Fuck that. They are no better than those homeless that seem to be drunk most of the time. They might smell better. Does it look like there is a way to shower outside? They may look better in one way or another. All that most people offer is food or money. Food is fantastic. Money is tempting. Why not try clothes as well? Maybe pay for a haircut? Or better yet, if you are able to, give them a haircut yourself. Buy them a membership at a gym so they can shower, maybe exercise if they so wish. Going the next step is a beautiful thing when it comes to giving to people. Just start and see where you end up. Thank you and... See you all on the other side.

Dizzying Depression Bahagian Dua

The whisper of your last words to me... they were sweet as honey but harsh and hot like terrible tea. But you make everything seem so appealing, though your leaving me breaks my. I don't even understand what you're saying to me anymore. I hug you through it, though. Tears follow the bend of my cheeks while you keep talking, crying yourself. Why're you crying? I mean nothing to you anymore. Why do you keep talking. The sound of your voice is only a background to my heart beat that seems to beat louder to block out your melodious voice. I hug you because I want to think of it as my holding onto you for dear life as I might be falling off a cliff. You let go, I can feel myself falling down... down... down into the dark abyss of my soul. I wake among rocks, holding me up, letting me die slowly. I breathe, breathing hurts, of course. I start thinking of everything I ever imagined would happen between us. Everything that would never be. I contemplate my fate that has been put into my hand to possibly crush. Attempting is very tempting. I let go instead. The rocks might keep it company. I walk away, blinded by what could never be. I sit, cry loudly and hope that everything could be different. It takes a few years, a few months and a few days. Life is brilliant enough. I think I meet him. He picked up my heart, hugged and cared for it. A month goes by quickly. Months go too quickly when something is obviously meant to end. I found my heart beaten, crushed on shards of glass, stomped on by a stampede of mustangs. Shock became my new friend as everything seemed to be tumbling down around me as everyone was turning on me, I couldn't grasp the cliff. I couldn't even imagine the cliff, I didn't know of it's existence anymore. Where had it gone? Nowhere and everywhere at the same time. Why? I cannot even as the correct question, all of this is so confusing and unbearable. I can't imagine the questions that are trying to bubble up within me. Why? I can't fathom the answers. I'm unable to understand what it is that is truly going on around me, shock eats me up, uses me as a plaything. Why couldn't I see it coming? Well, I could. I just didn't want the truth to be what it was. I couldn't help wanting what I did, I could help the actions that were obviously going to hurt me. I put my feelings onto a platter, believing that a chef so beautiful, would only look and not actually touch and cut it up. I can only cringe at this mistake. I can only laugh it off and know that everything has to get worse before it gets better.... Thank you and see you all on the other side.

Why Are You Feelings?

There are always days when you think no and your emotions say yes. It is terribly obnoxious. Examples: When you're reading 3 books already (Or more) and you say 'this is all for now.' Your emotions or thoughts laugh at you. 'Of course you're going to read more! 'it says, 'There are so many interesting things in the world, you should investigate all!' Or when you say no to relationships. Feelings kick in, laughing at how naive you are. When you decide no on something you see it as more attractive, more desirable than it might have been a moment before. You can't exactly stop the emotions, you can only not act on them. It is incredibly hard and dangerous to try and ignore your feelings that very obviously want to be known. It is dangerous because no matter how hard you try to ignore them, they make you say things. I mean, it is your decision whether you actually say those things or not. But they make you want to say or do things because they sound like a good idea. That little voice in your head that says 'go ahead, it won't hurt you in the end.' You may shake your head from that thought, but it will linger on in your head while you question it, thinking about the pros and cons of what might happen, what could happen and what you know definitely will happen. It is hard not to think about those things. What exactly can you do? Not much, love. What you can do is hear it but not act on it. Hard, not advised by society, but it will be worth it in the end. Less broken hearts. Less confusion and less hardship. Thank you... And see you all on the other side.

These Voices...

You know those tormenting conversations in your head? Yeah those ones, the ones that you are quite certain that they'll never happen. Those conversations run through my head as if there was no tomorrow. Those conversations make me depressed angry usually. I then dream about them and everything turns our alright but in real life, there are still those all too real problems that torment a person into giving up life. It's hard. It's hard to go about the day as if nothing happened even with those shouting voices in your head. Those scoffs and laughs that are going toward you that you are trying to avoid. You run and hide with nowhere to go. Why can't this be easier? Why can't life hand you gifts instead of tricks? Why can't we just be friendly and not call it flirty all the time? Why can't tears by dried up more quickly? Why can't smiles, laughs and love be real? Why can't people be real? They seem to want to be plastic play things, and when you don't play the way they want, they move to a new owner. Why can't people see how terrible that lifestyle is? Why can't people see that as growing up to be a person that they might despise? Oh yeah, that'd mean they'd have to acknowledge that what they do is wrong. And we wouldn't want that, would we? No, never. And so everyone goes along the walk of life tripping on hearts, barely getting scratched. Those of us that bare the scars... well, we bare them unwillingly. They were placed upon us when we weren't looking sometimes. But those wounds that come around that way start hurting the most and suddenly when found. I've been shot through the heart (not literally). That's the way it feels anyway. The wound will heal but not for now. For now I'll keep going as I do and try to make sense of this torture. I'll have to go along with it, at least for a bit, and learn while I try hiding from all these voices, people and animals. Goodnight, see you all on the other side.

Possibly Not Something I Truly Know...

Even though I don't care much for human beings, animals aren't better. They can't communicate intelligently though some may wish it. I wish my ferret could speak to me, comfort me in different ways other than her constant almost knowing whether I'm feeling well or not. She doesn't truly comfort my feelings inside. Human beings seem to be good for that, when they know how to hug properly of course. Animals are smelly, ignorant things that sometimes seem to sense our feelings and seem to know a bit about the weather. As much as I dislike humans, I do actually have a few human friends that I appreciate. I have a few human friends that actually lift up my spirits when they seem to enjoy the floor life. There are only a few but apparently that's all that is really needed sometimes. You know, I do actually know that sometimes nothing helps. I have those feelings some days. And on those days I decide to go pretend to be someone social. I pretend my life is swell, as if things don't happen to me other than goodness. The reason I do this is because, instead of trying to keep myself inside and close everyone out, I try to comfort those outside so I might have a reason to forget my sorrows. It's hard sometimes because tears betray me and my words sometimes come out to tell the world what I actually feel. I'm told not to bottle up my feelings which I try to do anyway, I just don't enjoy showing the public the tears. Are my tears important? No, the rest of the world has so much more to cry about. Yet here I am, tearing up because I can't have all the wonders of the world, or just one boy. I now can only shake my head and tell myself "it's okay" and "It happens" as well as "That's about right". That's when I'm told "I deserve better" and such things as that. But I thought what I had WAS better. Well, apparently not. And so, I will go on looking for my 'better' that I supposedly 'deserve' and hope it finds me instead. Why it hasn't been found already? Well, perhaps it was found elsewhere by another more fortunate. I can only sigh and hope for a better, better than wheat I thought was good for me. I'll shrug, smile, laugh and enjoy the little things in life that I can. I hope some of you might join me? It will surely be a grand adventure. Wild, crazy and possibly dangerous but if we go together, maybe we'll find a safe place that is our better. Let us fly and believe that this "better" is real and is able to be found. Thank you...

Life Does Happen... I Don't Like It...

You know, I was terribly sad a few weeks ago and that's because life happens unexpectedly. You never know what's going to happen even when you have plans. Sometimes things just happen and you just have to go along for the ride. There was a lot I didn't understand because shock does that to me. Also, no one would or could explain to me why things were happening the way they were and that was hard. It was eating me up inside and I felt as though I couldn't function properly in the real world. It felt as though the world had tumbled down on me on accident and I woke up on the streets of some neighborhood that I had never been to. When I woke up I felt this dizziness that I knew was depression that gobbled me up from the start. I tried then and I'm still working on trying to push it away. It isn't healthy. It is especially hard when things keep happening or memories keep popping into my head. I can't shake these feelings sometimes. I hate feelings. They can be nice but more recently they've been tearing down and laughing at me because I can't get up. When I breathe I can feel my feelings try to poor out from any opening it can find just to let me know how much of a loser my mind might think I am. It sounds incredibly sad, I know, but it is the truth. my mind tells me I'm a loser. I try to push it away (usually) but sometimes my defenses aren't as strong and it pushes right through my British guards. It tells me I'm a loser and I don't deserve the good I have had and the good I want anyway. Some days I listen to it, crying and thinking it's true. Other days I shake it off and tell it to shut up. Today I just shrug, tomorrow I'll try shrugging some more and see how that helps. And on that note, goodbye and see you all on the other side.

What Are Bad Friends?

You have friends in your life that you know will stay friends. You also have those people in your life that stay in a gray area for at least a moment before they become anything either serious and they leave. For me, it's hard when anyone leaves. When someone leaves, my dreams of a bright future together with this person (be it friendship or relationship-wise) is shattered into a million pieces. My heart is broken but I have to move on. It is interesting to me that I am the way I am, sometimes. I mean, when I lose a friend or a potential soul mate, sometimes I try to prove to them that I could be better. Other times I feel like telling them about how wonderful my life is (or could be in the future without them) so that they might be jealous and possibly want me back. Both are terrible for me, do you know why? It is because both stress me out. Both take more work than just relieving myself of this duty I feel to do either. Why do I feel this why? Why might anyone feel this way? Well, for me, I am a lonely creature looking for love in 'all the wrong places' which almost seems to be what everyone does. But why? Because we see it in society, movies, hear it in music, read it in books and everyone tells us that is the right way to do whether they tell us directly or in a round about way. It's the drama that everyone puts themselves into. Not everyone tries to but some people do and it seems they try to make the rest of the world their bitch as they walk around, proud of this drama they have created for everyone else. It's exhausting. It even makes me almost want to pant from the exhaustion that it gives me from thinking about it. I look around and see these people, my question to them is why? Why are you putting us and yourself through so much pain? Why can't we all just get along instead of your making life so difficult? Why can't you make more sense when you speak about things(I mean when some people full of drama make up arguments, they don't always make sense. Yet, some listen to them anyway and argue back. How much sense does that make?)? Well. What I can do, and what we all can do, is stop talking to them. They are looking for any attention and the attention you give them is enough. I see it everywhere. If you stop giving each drama soul attention, they may disappear (maybe not in the sense of them killing themselves because I don't believe that'd solve any problems. I'm only saying maybe they'll be more productive with their lives as humans and stop trying to bug everyone for attention.). I'm not saying hate these people, I'm not saying kick them out and under a bus. I'm only saying they need good attention which a lot of people don't get. Everyone needs the good attention, even you and me. Give that good attention so you may receive it as well. It feels really good both ways. Now I say to you, goodbye and see you all on the other side.

Roller Coaster of Life?

Sometimes tragedies happen. Sometimes your tragedy is another mans joy. What are you going to do? Curl up into a corner rocking back and forth hoping the world may pass and ignore you? That is an option but how long would that even last and where would it get you. Honestly, it'd get you nowhere. You'd have to make a decision. I know decisions are hard, especially life decisions. But you can't just curl in a ball and believe all will be well in the world if you just stay there. That is selfish and ignorant. There are people that love and care about you whether you choose to remember them or not. Some days it is difficult to remember those people when they aren't around at all times, I know because I have lots of friends like that. But you can't let yourself go because you feel like it. It is extremely selfish. Just remember the people and the good times when it's hard to. Remember the bad times when you're able to laugh at them. Don't stay in that sadness bubble forever, it isn't healthy and I for one, believe that you need to live for one reason or another. I believe there is a purpose and I know, with all my heart, that you are worth anything and everything good in this world. Whether you feel like it or not. I love you. Feel better friends. I have a feeling this roller coaster of life isn't even close to the top yet.

Goals?

Sometimes after a good thing, happiness crashes into sadness and you feel a little bipolar. In those instances you sometimes just don't want to do much even when there are good things happening around you. Sometimes you have spurts of happiness though they end in sadness and you can only go along with it. Sometimes you can't even acknowledge the sadness inside you until later and then it's hard to think of. Though, that ruins you on the inside. You feel as though no one cares because no one acknowledges the feelings you have on the inside. You believe your feelings on the inside don't matter or your problems don't matter because others have their problems which sound worse than yours. I know this because I have these feelings at most times. You can't just let yourself believe this because it always eats you up inside. It stabs you in the heart anytime you turn to smile. It hurts you any time you attempt good because you are focused on yourself and your problems when there are problems around. I'm not saying ignore your problems. I'm also not telling you to focus on your problems. I'm saying know what the problem is, deal with it then work on focusing on other things because focusing on one thing will destroy any good thing around you. Make a goal for yourself, maybe. Where do you want to be going in your life? Are you wanting to go to school for something? Maybe computer sciences? Maybe you'd like to be a cosmetologist? Maybe you'd like to make and sell clothing? Maybe traveling is more your style. What do you need to get there? Now, you should make a goal and a sort of outline of how to get to where you'd like to be. You never have to follow it exactly but having something to possibly even sort of go by is always nice. Just stick with it and I know you can do it. Anyone can do anything no matter what, especially if they don't give up. So go on your adventure towards life and see where you end up. Have fun, take those chances, make all kinds of mistakes, and know more at the end of it... Thank you.

I Have Feelings Too

Sometimes laughter is empty. Sometimes you feel your laughter bubbling up and out but you don't mean it because inside you feel empty, like there's a void to fill. A Nothing to be afraid. These are my feelings, if you weren't sure. I am feeling pretty empty. It happens to be because my thoughts of what people think of me and whether people like me or not have been wrong. I don't mean like as in a possible significant other. I mean like as in a more friend or boss relationship. I feel torn down by the fact that I don't know how to read people. I'm torn down by the fact that I'm awkward and apparently people don't know what to do about that. It's hard to breathe because the pain in my heart, my depression, is felt each time I sip the water in the air. I don't know what I should be doing and so I'll be here, sipping tea and trying to interact as my mid races with wonders and questions.

Oh, Confusion...?

Eyes are the windows into the soul as we have been told. Sometimes, even when you feel you are looking into the depths of the soul, you feel as though the windows are closed and so you aren't really sure of anything the soul may be telling you. What if the question you ask someone each day in your own soul is answered by yes but you don't know it! Doubts are so easily thought up because doubts are all around. Sometimes your atmosphere is negative and you feel negativity in your blood stream as you try being positive for the hundredth time. It feels impossible sometimes, but sometimes you know that you should be more positive when other times you don't believe it matters as much. It should matter though. Negativity is not good for your soul, it literally brings you down and you should put yourself, and others, up. Doubt should not even be in ones vocabulary. Let alone on your mind. One should be able to trust oneself as well as the people around them. Why don't we automatically trust those around us? Most people in our past or present give us reasons not to trust. But as Tohru Honda says(or Natsuki Takaya): "My mom told me, it's better to trust someone than doubt them. She said that people weren't born with kind hearts. When we're born, all we have are desires for food and material things. Selfish instincts, I guess. But she said that kindness is something that grows inside of each person's body, but it's up to us to nurture that kindness in our hearts. That's why kindness is different for every person." And she is right. She also says: "It's not always easy to see the good in people. In some people, you might doubt it's even there at all. But if you can somehow, find a way to believe... sometimes that's all it takes to help someone, to give them strength to find the good in themselves." It is hard to find the good in people sometimes, especially when they seem to want you to only see what is bad in them. It's easier to dismiss someone that is bothering us. But I believe we should be more generous with our belief even when it seems the most ludicrous idea since High School Musical. Don't go the easy way, go the harder way. Though, not to the point that you are hurting yourself inside or outside. Give a hug and breathe. Realise everyone deserves a second chance. Have fun with these words and see you all on the other side.

Why Friends Ish?

It is interesting how easily a 'friend' seems to bounce away, seeming to think nothing of you and acting as if nothing ever happened between you. It happens. It hurts. Sometimes are hurts the heart so much and with some people they eat through that. Others, like me, aren't able to eat. Depression runs differently in our hearts and minds, making it difficult to eat or think straight. I look around remembering everything sometimes. I smile remembering the way you spoke, the way you looked when you spoke to me. This isn't even only people I've had an romantic interest in at all, this happens to be people I thought of as great friends. People that I thought I'd always have in my life until they decided to kick me into the dust. I sometimes feel empty and meaningless when I think of these people that I wanted in my life for forever. Sometimes I remember each detail of someone, I remember when they were happy because I was around and how quickly that changed. Afterwards, I wonder how much of that was real. I miss them still and I shouldn't. I have better people in my life, but sometimes I feel some sort of hole in my heart and I want to fill it with those that I should never be around. I sometimes feel the need for the junk food that I've picked up from that dumpster of the past. Am I the only one? Certainly not! Interestingly enough, I advise my friends against doing this very thing. I advise many things concerning friendship and relationships though I can not seem to listen to myself. Why can't I listen to myself concerning these things? I suppose it is as Stephen Chbosky puts it: "We accept the love we think we deserve." It is true. Everyone knows it though not everyone is willing to acknowledge it always. I acknowledge it when it comes to my friends and I let my friends know how much more they deserve but I kick myself to the curb because I've been kicked into thinking that I deserve that. Isn't it interesting that I know this, yet I continue in my self pity, quietly in the corner? This corner being in my mind, of course. Sometimes when I smile I want to scream to the world my sorrows that are going through my mind. But then I think 'it doesn't matter. My sorrows, my thoughts. They don't matter.' It's hard not to think that sometimes. Sometimes I forget I have good friends when I think of the past friends that hurt me so deeply. It's stupid, yes, but diving deep and down into yourself is always a bad idea. Thinking of only the bad is always bad for you. It's sickening, it gets annoying for people if you dwell on it and it is unhealthy. It's very hard to keep on your feet also, though. It's hard to keep walking forward. Sometimes it's hard to see the beauty around you such as the blue sky and trees. I know, I'm hopeless. I'll find some light somewhere. I know it. When I do I'll tell the world. I'll tell you how I found it. I'll tell you stories, I'll tell you how wonderful it was. I'll let you feel the cool of how the love and happiness can wash through you in an instant in this cruel, cruel world. For now, all we can do is breathe. For now, all we can do is close our eyes and hope rest might take over. But restfulness, at least for me, hasn't been friendly to me the past few weeks. It is driving my insane with how tired I feel. Well, I'll find some happiness. Some days that is so easy but other days... I can't figure out how those days went. I can't figure out how to bring that happiness, I can't find anything extra. Maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow is always a new possibility with even more and newer possibilities expanding with each decision anyone makes. I can only shrug for now and hope tomorrow is a new day I really want to look forward to. I won't know until I get there. Until then, goodnight friends. See you all on the other side.

Tell the World Oh Well

It's interesting how many happy things can happen around you but you don't feel the happiness that should go along with it. Sometimes it's because you're a selfish person that always wants more. Other times it's because you only want to see or hear from one person. Sometimes people aren't fortunate enough to see that one person that could make your week, month, or life. Sometimes that is one of the hardest things to do, especially when you must put a smile on your face for everyone when you feel more like crying in the corner, hoping that one person will talk to you. You wonder what their life is like when they don't talk to you. It may be days or even hours though it feels like years. It's discouraging but your chin must rise above your sorrows and keep going. It may feel painful. It may be hard. You may never want to see the light of day ever again but you must rise above the life that you may want and continue with the life you have now. You can't show the fear that may be choking you to stay living on this earth with people you are told to be with, you must learn to fly among the clouds to start your life as you'd actually like it. Bend some rules, lay down your law, but consider peoples feelings though you should never bend because someones feelings might get hurt. Only consider their feelings slightly. You should be able to have your free will no matter what. So your feelings for whoever or about whatever should be yours to keep. It's okay to feel the way you feel, you just need to feel confident and comfortable enough with yourself that you can let the world know and just be okay with their decision to either accept or decline. Just shrug your shoulders, smile and tell them "Oh well".

Am I Dreaming?

Some days I close my eyes hoping to see the future, a future that I'd like to be in. Some days I see myself in the forest. I feel the wind, I smell the great redwoods. I suddenly realise someone holding me. This is my dream, right? I should know if someone is holding me. Alas, I look up and it's him. I breathe in his familiar smell, so very welcoming. I turn to face him, I didn't know his face would be so close and... so perfect. I didn't know his space could be mine without any warning. The way his eyes adore me, it makes it hard to breathe sometimes. Even in this dream, I can feel all the emotions running through me as if he were really here. He doesn't give me a choice, he brings me in. Our lips meet, oh how my heart beats. My surprise lasts for seconds as thrill and happiness swirl around as butterflies to pterodactyls, growing in my stomach. I almost want to let go and leave from this situation, is this too much? I don't know what to do but I almost feel like puddy, I'm unable to do anything. I finally am aware of my surroundings, aware of my limp limbs. I can do one of two things, I can push away or pull in closer. I have a side thought of pushing away as I pull closer to this wonderful being. I can't believe it. I have found and captured the one and only specimen of human worth capturing. It is mine, and I've decided not to share. I'm sorry world, but I can't bring myself to share such treasure. I think all of this through the kiss. We let go at the same time, wanting more. I breathe in a few times. He chuckles and brings me in once more as I step on his toes to possibly be level with his face. As my head rushes to his... I wake. I breathe as if out of breath and almost cry for it was indeed, only a dream. Now to go on with this unfortunate day without my wish being true. Maybe some day...

Turn Yourself Around?

Some days you feel done, that's me some days too. And sometimes that starts at the beginning of the day and you still have a load of things to do. You still have a day ahead of you. That was me today. I hated my life for a lot of the day because of sibling troubles, disagreements with parents, my current living situation and just caffeine (caffeine give me the 'case of the bipolars' as one of my friends calls it). I still had to get up. I still had to work. I couldn't be unprofessional even though I felt as though tears may pour down my cheeks like a waterfall. I had to breathe, think about the day and not where I'd be going at the end of it. That helped a little. I told a few people of what I was/am going through. That helped a little more. As the day is still going, I have been feeling better. I have been breathing. I have been calmer. And so, boys and girls, going through the day may seem terrible and impossible at the beginning. But if you make yourself get up, smell those roses and smile when smiling seems unnecessary, you may get through the day. Just try to breathe and not think of your troubles that are most definitely bubbling to the top of boiling oil, trying to be noticed by you. Only when you don't feel like crying each time you bring it to your mind may you give yourself permission to dwell on it. I'm still working on it. Why don't you work on it with me? Have a wonderful day. Thank you!

I Don't Understand Sometimes

You know, some people that say they are Christians seem to think they must shove their beliefs on those around them. Now, I am a Christian, but I believe my place is to maybe tell one about my faith but I am not exactly wonderful with words outside of typing them either on the computer or on my phone. And so I believe my place in this world is only to show people how I work on my Christ-likeness. I know I'm not perfect and I don't ever expect anyone else to be perfect, I only wish some people would calm down and show God's love instead of screaming at people that He hates them. I don't understand how someone can say 'I love the Lord', turn around and say 'God hates you' to anyone that doesn't agree with them exactly. In the Bible it says (paraphrasing) that we should be kind and love everyone because everyone is an icon of Christ. You shouldn't only be kind to those you particularly care for. I struggle with it because, again I am not perfect in any way, shape or form, but it's upsetting to see those people screaming while those around collect their daily thought to provide a stereotype to the world. I also find it interesting that the people around 'hate the judgmental Christians'. How are you any better? It's almost funny to me when people talk terribly about these 'judgmental people' and they don't seem to realise they are judging too. I do judge in different ways, I try to work on it though it is difficult when people make it so easy sometimes. I do understand how easy people make it but that never makes it right for anyone to judge one another. I may not agree with everything you do but that never means we can't be friends. You may not agree with everything I do but that never means we can't still be friends. I am not willing to give up a friendship that easily, will you?

The Value of a Life?

People talk about the living as if they are nothing. Only some people understand what life means. Only some people understand that all life is valuable. I hate seeing these people not value life. People don't understand that life means more than anyone could truly understand. They take life for granted and they don't care about anyone else's. I hate how selfish people are. It's just unbelievable sometimes. I can't even begin to understand. How people can be so extremely selfish is honestly, beyond me. Some days I look around and see selfishness spewing from everyone's minds and mouths. . other people are lonely and struggling too, okay? The least you can do is show respect and show the kindness that you expect from other people, to people you may not exactly appreciate. Show kindness to people you're not expected to. Believe me, they're worth it. I don't care what your life is like, how you can't take care of your fellow man because you're 'too busy'. Just be grateful you're alive. Be grateful you have a life, a home, a job. Show joy. I want more people to live and possibly see a better future. Can we give that possibility to others? To others that don't even know what the future is or could be for them? Give people a future and a people to look forward to. Don't ignore someone you deem less worthy. Don't look down on someone you've decided isn't close to your level. You are in no way better than anyone else. You're human and so is everyone else on this damn planet. Sometimes I'd like to go somewhere without people but that's mostly impossible and it won't help. People are still out there. People that are in need. I can't fix the world, I can only fix myself. But by fixing myself I can help the world around me. By working on not being selfish, by being who I'm meant to be and being a friend to those that don't think they have any because they don't think they freaking deserve them. Understand that. And if you bother, pick on, make fun of, hurt or TOUCH my friends or family, you better be watching your back.

Hello!s

Hello friends. My name is actually Schey. I wrote this story and randomly decided to put it on here because I wanted to see whether it would actually be read. Most of it I typed up on as a new post and never looked at it again to edit. I basically wanted to pour whatever filth or treasure might have been coming from my mind. It was very hard for me, some days, to actually start AND finish a post all in the same day because writers would block me everywhere I went(I had such severe writers block some days...). I do apologise for the days that I didn't happen to write a post, I really wanted to post every day. I just sometimes got very busy and then extremely tired when I was finally in a position to write a blog book post. Thank you all that did decide to read this mix of emotions, facts of my life and sometimes very terrible writing. Thank you all who have decided to endure to the end. I really do appreciate it! I really would love to hear what everyone thinks. I'd love to hear how terribly confusing some parts are to people. I'll read over it at some point and I'd like to make it into and actual book and that leads to another thought/question. What would I name this book? I have thought maybe: Eliana or Book on a Blog. I'm sure You brilliant mind out there might have a few wonderful ideas that I would love to hear/read in the comments section. Now, the real reason I took about a month off was for the Advent Fast because I am, in fact, an Orthodox Christian. I gave it up for the fast because I am on the internet waaaaaay too often so I took a break. Also, when I wrote the post when I got back I was listening to Say Something by a Great Big World the whole time. I know that's ridiculous and most people would hate even the idea of that. Some might find it 'sick' but it was my most favourite song right then. Otherwise my playlist was usually Josh Groban (that I remember). I thank you again for reading this and I will be starting my rants on here again soon enough. The next one might just be on bullying. Thank you and please follow me, if you really are interested in doing so. I hope to hear from you soon. See you all on the other side :)