Why must it be in my nature to be nice to others instead of being like those that treat me like shit all the time? Could I just not have these feelings or care? Could I instead be like these people that hurt me all the time? Why do I have to care for people and want someone to be happy when it's apparently not okay for me to be completely happy? Could I just, for one day feel nothing for anyone? Nothing romantic, no anger, no caring, nothing. That sounds like bliss. Feelings seem to get in the way of things. Do I just associate the good with the bad? That's really the only thing that makes sense. Why would my mind do that? Because trying to anticipate the bad instead of knowing good will come is not healthy. Apparently it makes sense to my mind. why? Because anticipating bad means I won't be so surprised by it. That doesn't mean I won't be emotional because of it, it just means instead of crying over it more, I'll be able to anticipate and not cry AS MUCH as I would if I didn't think it was going to happen. But that makes me paranoid and do stupid things that are supposed to make me happy but instead create a bigger hole in me. It creates more hurt. Why do I do these things though? Because I'm told by everyone around me to do "whatever makes me happy". But that never lasts. I need something and someone that lasts. I need a life that lasts. I need something and someone that can help me through this hurt. But I have trouble letting someone in to possibly help the hurt when they could be part of it eventually. Fear, that also isn't a great thing to be feeling about these things. I fear what people will think of me if I do certain things. It hurts me more though. But how do you just let go of an insecurity other than doing what makes me insecure? It hasn't been doing much so far but I continue to try because that's all I can do. I hope everyone is having a good night and I hope you guys find an insecurity fixer. Good night, love you guys.

What God Has Done

Being a Christian in a fast growing atheist world is hard and somewhat depressing. Very depressing but that's not the point. What it means to be a Christian it's actually to accept people as they are and allow God to work in their lives as He chooses instead of deciding we need our hand in it as well and taking credit for such things. Now, with that being said, it is hard being a Christian in a world where it's frowned upon. Its hard, not just because it is looked down on, is hard because instead of being encouraging in what someone believes, we discourage everyone unless we decide its good. I quite honestly believe that believing in God helps with a moral compass because he had laid everything out on the table, said everything that needed to be said without any secret meanings and basically said "this is the way that brings you closer to Me As well as all the possible happiness you desire. Yes you have to work for it, but you have to work at anything before you can continue forward." I'm absolutely paraphrasing and I'm not saying I follow each and every rule, because I don't. I've been having so many doubts lately. Mostly because I've had these experiences with people that I used to call closer friends that have, I feel abandoned me. The reason I trust God though id's because He is the only one I have felt around me, holding me when I'm down when I have people around me trying to basically hit me with a fly swatter as they tell me they can drop me at the blink of an eye as if nothing happened because there's no use dwelling on things like real relationships with people. I know people have gotten hurt and I stay vulnerable and loyal to the point I get hurt every time, but the outlook people have because they've decided they don't believe in God hurts me because it's one of the most depressing things I've heard. It hurts me because instead of the love that needs to be shared there is only great and hatred. When love and purity allows its face, it gets promptly kicked out and smothered as fast as possible. Christianity is a lot more than just a moral compass, it's love and the peace that everyone is yearning for but can't find. I'm not exactly here to show you the way, I can only attempt at the love that God is trying to show you. I don't come anywhere close to it, I fall down so many times when I attempt, but I will keep trying to just show this true and unconditional love that I have been given to show what God has shown me. Because he is the only one that has really and truly stood by my side and encouraged me even when I don't know how to praise or reach out to Him. I know nothing, I only try to learn by His example but I definitely have so much more to learn in my life.

How to Understand?

When you have something that you don't really want to give up but you ask someone for help to give you strength that you don't actually want, He won't give anything to you until you're actually ready to receive what you've asked for. Don't expect things to happen because you ask without a whole heart. Understand that God wants the best for you. You just need to be ready for the best first. You may not understand what 'the best for you' is even when you believe you're sure. It's something you learn as you grow in the Lord. It's something He teaches you as you become older, not something you understand right off. It's hard to understand that and accept that but once you do you can truly move forward.