Life Does Happen... I Don't Like It...

You know, I was terribly sad a few weeks ago and that's because life happens unexpectedly. You never know what's going to happen even when you have plans. Sometimes things just happen and you just have to go along for the ride. There was a lot I didn't understand because shock does that to me. Also, no one would or could explain to me why things were happening the way they were and that was hard. It was eating me up inside and I felt as though I couldn't function properly in the real world. It felt as though the world had tumbled down on me on accident and I woke up on the streets of some neighborhood that I had never been to. When I woke up I felt this dizziness that I knew was depression that gobbled me up from the start. I tried then and I'm still working on trying to push it away. It isn't healthy. It is especially hard when things keep happening or memories keep popping into my head. I can't shake these feelings sometimes. I hate feelings. They can be nice but more recently they've been tearing down and laughing at me because I can't get up. When I breathe I can feel my feelings try to poor out from any opening it can find just to let me know how much of a loser my mind might think I am. It sounds incredibly sad, I know, but it is the truth. my mind tells me I'm a loser. I try to push it away (usually) but sometimes my defenses aren't as strong and it pushes right through my British guards. It tells me I'm a loser and I don't deserve the good I have had and the good I want anyway. Some days I listen to it, crying and thinking it's true. Other days I shake it off and tell it to shut up. Today I just shrug, tomorrow I'll try shrugging some more and see how that helps. And on that note, goodbye and see you all on the other side.

What Are Bad Friends?

You have friends in your life that you know will stay friends. You also have those people in your life that stay in a gray area for at least a moment before they become anything either serious and they leave. For me, it's hard when anyone leaves. When someone leaves, my dreams of a bright future together with this person (be it friendship or relationship-wise) is shattered into a million pieces. My heart is broken but I have to move on. It is interesting to me that I am the way I am, sometimes. I mean, when I lose a friend or a potential soul mate, sometimes I try to prove to them that I could be better. Other times I feel like telling them about how wonderful my life is (or could be in the future without them) so that they might be jealous and possibly want me back. Both are terrible for me, do you know why? It is because both stress me out. Both take more work than just relieving myself of this duty I feel to do either. Why do I feel this why? Why might anyone feel this way? Well, for me, I am a lonely creature looking for love in 'all the wrong places' which almost seems to be what everyone does. But why? Because we see it in society, movies, hear it in music, read it in books and everyone tells us that is the right way to do whether they tell us directly or in a round about way. It's the drama that everyone puts themselves into. Not everyone tries to but some people do and it seems they try to make the rest of the world their bitch as they walk around, proud of this drama they have created for everyone else. It's exhausting. It even makes me almost want to pant from the exhaustion that it gives me from thinking about it. I look around and see these people, my question to them is why? Why are you putting us and yourself through so much pain? Why can't we all just get along instead of your making life so difficult? Why can't you make more sense when you speak about things(I mean when some people full of drama make up arguments, they don't always make sense. Yet, some listen to them anyway and argue back. How much sense does that make?)? Well. What I can do, and what we all can do, is stop talking to them. They are looking for any attention and the attention you give them is enough. I see it everywhere. If you stop giving each drama soul attention, they may disappear (maybe not in the sense of them killing themselves because I don't believe that'd solve any problems. I'm only saying maybe they'll be more productive with their lives as humans and stop trying to bug everyone for attention.). I'm not saying hate these people, I'm not saying kick them out and under a bus. I'm only saying they need good attention which a lot of people don't get. Everyone needs the good attention, even you and me. Give that good attention so you may receive it as well. It feels really good both ways. Now I say to you, goodbye and see you all on the other side.

Roller Coaster of Life?

Sometimes tragedies happen. Sometimes your tragedy is another mans joy. What are you going to do? Curl up into a corner rocking back and forth hoping the world may pass and ignore you? That is an option but how long would that even last and where would it get you. Honestly, it'd get you nowhere. You'd have to make a decision. I know decisions are hard, especially life decisions. But you can't just curl in a ball and believe all will be well in the world if you just stay there. That is selfish and ignorant. There are people that love and care about you whether you choose to remember them or not. Some days it is difficult to remember those people when they aren't around at all times, I know because I have lots of friends like that. But you can't let yourself go because you feel like it. It is extremely selfish. Just remember the people and the good times when it's hard to. Remember the bad times when you're able to laugh at them. Don't stay in that sadness bubble forever, it isn't healthy and I for one, believe that you need to live for one reason or another. I believe there is a purpose and I know, with all my heart, that you are worth anything and everything good in this world. Whether you feel like it or not. I love you. Feel better friends. I have a feeling this roller coaster of life isn't even close to the top yet.

Goals?

Sometimes after a good thing, happiness crashes into sadness and you feel a little bipolar. In those instances you sometimes just don't want to do much even when there are good things happening around you. Sometimes you have spurts of happiness though they end in sadness and you can only go along with it. Sometimes you can't even acknowledge the sadness inside you until later and then it's hard to think of. Though, that ruins you on the inside. You feel as though no one cares because no one acknowledges the feelings you have on the inside. You believe your feelings on the inside don't matter or your problems don't matter because others have their problems which sound worse than yours. I know this because I have these feelings at most times. You can't just let yourself believe this because it always eats you up inside. It stabs you in the heart anytime you turn to smile. It hurts you any time you attempt good because you are focused on yourself and your problems when there are problems around. I'm not saying ignore your problems. I'm also not telling you to focus on your problems. I'm saying know what the problem is, deal with it then work on focusing on other things because focusing on one thing will destroy any good thing around you. Make a goal for yourself, maybe. Where do you want to be going in your life? Are you wanting to go to school for something? Maybe computer sciences? Maybe you'd like to be a cosmetologist? Maybe you'd like to make and sell clothing? Maybe traveling is more your style. What do you need to get there? Now, you should make a goal and a sort of outline of how to get to where you'd like to be. You never have to follow it exactly but having something to possibly even sort of go by is always nice. Just stick with it and I know you can do it. Anyone can do anything no matter what, especially if they don't give up. So go on your adventure towards life and see where you end up. Have fun, take those chances, make all kinds of mistakes, and know more at the end of it... Thank you.

I Have Feelings Too

Sometimes laughter is empty. Sometimes you feel your laughter bubbling up and out but you don't mean it because inside you feel empty, like there's a void to fill. A Nothing to be afraid. These are my feelings, if you weren't sure. I am feeling pretty empty. It happens to be because my thoughts of what people think of me and whether people like me or not have been wrong. I don't mean like as in a possible significant other. I mean like as in a more friend or boss relationship. I feel torn down by the fact that I don't know how to read people. I'm torn down by the fact that I'm awkward and apparently people don't know what to do about that. It's hard to breathe because the pain in my heart, my depression, is felt each time I sip the water in the air. I don't know what I should be doing and so I'll be here, sipping tea and trying to interact as my mid races with wonders and questions.

Oh, Confusion...?

Eyes are the windows into the soul as we have been told. Sometimes, even when you feel you are looking into the depths of the soul, you feel as though the windows are closed and so you aren't really sure of anything the soul may be telling you. What if the question you ask someone each day in your own soul is answered by yes but you don't know it! Doubts are so easily thought up because doubts are all around. Sometimes your atmosphere is negative and you feel negativity in your blood stream as you try being positive for the hundredth time. It feels impossible sometimes, but sometimes you know that you should be more positive when other times you don't believe it matters as much. It should matter though. Negativity is not good for your soul, it literally brings you down and you should put yourself, and others, up. Doubt should not even be in ones vocabulary. Let alone on your mind. One should be able to trust oneself as well as the people around them. Why don't we automatically trust those around us? Most people in our past or present give us reasons not to trust. But as Tohru Honda says(or Natsuki Takaya): "My mom told me, it's better to trust someone than doubt them. She said that people weren't born with kind hearts. When we're born, all we have are desires for food and material things. Selfish instincts, I guess. But she said that kindness is something that grows inside of each person's body, but it's up to us to nurture that kindness in our hearts. That's why kindness is different for every person." And she is right. She also says: "It's not always easy to see the good in people. In some people, you might doubt it's even there at all. But if you can somehow, find a way to believe... sometimes that's all it takes to help someone, to give them strength to find the good in themselves." It is hard to find the good in people sometimes, especially when they seem to want you to only see what is bad in them. It's easier to dismiss someone that is bothering us. But I believe we should be more generous with our belief even when it seems the most ludicrous idea since High School Musical. Don't go the easy way, go the harder way. Though, not to the point that you are hurting yourself inside or outside. Give a hug and breathe. Realise everyone deserves a second chance. Have fun with these words and see you all on the other side.

Why Friends Ish?

It is interesting how easily a 'friend' seems to bounce away, seeming to think nothing of you and acting as if nothing ever happened between you. It happens. It hurts. Sometimes are hurts the heart so much and with some people they eat through that. Others, like me, aren't able to eat. Depression runs differently in our hearts and minds, making it difficult to eat or think straight. I look around remembering everything sometimes. I smile remembering the way you spoke, the way you looked when you spoke to me. This isn't even only people I've had an romantic interest in at all, this happens to be people I thought of as great friends. People that I thought I'd always have in my life until they decided to kick me into the dust. I sometimes feel empty and meaningless when I think of these people that I wanted in my life for forever. Sometimes I remember each detail of someone, I remember when they were happy because I was around and how quickly that changed. Afterwards, I wonder how much of that was real. I miss them still and I shouldn't. I have better people in my life, but sometimes I feel some sort of hole in my heart and I want to fill it with those that I should never be around. I sometimes feel the need for the junk food that I've picked up from that dumpster of the past. Am I the only one? Certainly not! Interestingly enough, I advise my friends against doing this very thing. I advise many things concerning friendship and relationships though I can not seem to listen to myself. Why can't I listen to myself concerning these things? I suppose it is as Stephen Chbosky puts it: "We accept the love we think we deserve." It is true. Everyone knows it though not everyone is willing to acknowledge it always. I acknowledge it when it comes to my friends and I let my friends know how much more they deserve but I kick myself to the curb because I've been kicked into thinking that I deserve that. Isn't it interesting that I know this, yet I continue in my self pity, quietly in the corner? This corner being in my mind, of course. Sometimes when I smile I want to scream to the world my sorrows that are going through my mind. But then I think 'it doesn't matter. My sorrows, my thoughts. They don't matter.' It's hard not to think that sometimes. Sometimes I forget I have good friends when I think of the past friends that hurt me so deeply. It's stupid, yes, but diving deep and down into yourself is always a bad idea. Thinking of only the bad is always bad for you. It's sickening, it gets annoying for people if you dwell on it and it is unhealthy. It's very hard to keep on your feet also, though. It's hard to keep walking forward. Sometimes it's hard to see the beauty around you such as the blue sky and trees. I know, I'm hopeless. I'll find some light somewhere. I know it. When I do I'll tell the world. I'll tell you how I found it. I'll tell you stories, I'll tell you how wonderful it was. I'll let you feel the cool of how the love and happiness can wash through you in an instant in this cruel, cruel world. For now, all we can do is breathe. For now, all we can do is close our eyes and hope rest might take over. But restfulness, at least for me, hasn't been friendly to me the past few weeks. It is driving my insane with how tired I feel. Well, I'll find some happiness. Some days that is so easy but other days... I can't figure out how those days went. I can't figure out how to bring that happiness, I can't find anything extra. Maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow is always a new possibility with even more and newer possibilities expanding with each decision anyone makes. I can only shrug for now and hope tomorrow is a new day I really want to look forward to. I won't know until I get there. Until then, goodnight friends. See you all on the other side.