Help Them

I believe people, including myself, don't actually know what to cry about. We don't cry or worry about what truly matters. We don't even think about those without homes because some are told that they chose that life. They didn't think one day, "I want to be homeless and drunk with jerks around me that only think of themselves." They have or had lives of their own. Some of them are bitter. Some don't know what to do with themselves. Some people grew up being homeless and don't know how to get to a better life. They are still normal people. They are only less fortunate. I know so many people that go get drunk every night because they think its fun. How are they better? Because they have homes to go to? Fuck that. They are no better than those homeless that seem to be drunk most of the time. They might smell better. Does it look like there is a way to shower outside? They may look better in one way or another. All that most people offer is food or money. Food is fantastic. Money is tempting. Why not try clothes as well? Maybe pay for a haircut? Or better yet, if you are able to, give them a haircut yourself. Buy them a membership at a gym so they can shower, maybe exercise if they so wish. Going the next step is a beautiful thing when it comes to giving to people. Just start and see where you end up. Thank you and... See you all on the other side.

Dizzying Depression Bahagian Dua

The whisper of your last words to me... they were sweet as honey but harsh and hot like terrible tea. But you make everything seem so appealing, though your leaving me breaks my. I don't even understand what you're saying to me anymore. I hug you through it, though. Tears follow the bend of my cheeks while you keep talking, crying yourself. Why're you crying? I mean nothing to you anymore. Why do you keep talking. The sound of your voice is only a background to my heart beat that seems to beat louder to block out your melodious voice. I hug you because I want to think of it as my holding onto you for dear life as I might be falling off a cliff. You let go, I can feel myself falling down... down... down into the dark abyss of my soul. I wake among rocks, holding me up, letting me die slowly. I breathe, breathing hurts, of course. I start thinking of everything I ever imagined would happen between us. Everything that would never be. I contemplate my fate that has been put into my hand to possibly crush. Attempting is very tempting. I let go instead. The rocks might keep it company. I walk away, blinded by what could never be. I sit, cry loudly and hope that everything could be different. It takes a few years, a few months and a few days. Life is brilliant enough. I think I meet him. He picked up my heart, hugged and cared for it. A month goes by quickly. Months go too quickly when something is obviously meant to end. I found my heart beaten, crushed on shards of glass, stomped on by a stampede of mustangs. Shock became my new friend as everything seemed to be tumbling down around me as everyone was turning on me, I couldn't grasp the cliff. I couldn't even imagine the cliff, I didn't know of it's existence anymore. Where had it gone? Nowhere and everywhere at the same time. Why? I cannot even as the correct question, all of this is so confusing and unbearable. I can't imagine the questions that are trying to bubble up within me. Why? I can't fathom the answers. I'm unable to understand what it is that is truly going on around me, shock eats me up, uses me as a plaything. Why couldn't I see it coming? Well, I could. I just didn't want the truth to be what it was. I couldn't help wanting what I did, I could help the actions that were obviously going to hurt me. I put my feelings onto a platter, believing that a chef so beautiful, would only look and not actually touch and cut it up. I can only cringe at this mistake. I can only laugh it off and know that everything has to get worse before it gets better.... Thank you and see you all on the other side.

Why Are You Feelings?

There are always days when you think no and your emotions say yes. It is terribly obnoxious. Examples: When you're reading 3 books already (Or more) and you say 'this is all for now.' Your emotions or thoughts laugh at you. 'Of course you're going to read more! 'it says, 'There are so many interesting things in the world, you should investigate all!' Or when you say no to relationships. Feelings kick in, laughing at how naive you are. When you decide no on something you see it as more attractive, more desirable than it might have been a moment before. You can't exactly stop the emotions, you can only not act on them. It is incredibly hard and dangerous to try and ignore your feelings that very obviously want to be known. It is dangerous because no matter how hard you try to ignore them, they make you say things. I mean, it is your decision whether you actually say those things or not. But they make you want to say or do things because they sound like a good idea. That little voice in your head that says 'go ahead, it won't hurt you in the end.' You may shake your head from that thought, but it will linger on in your head while you question it, thinking about the pros and cons of what might happen, what could happen and what you know definitely will happen. It is hard not to think about those things. What exactly can you do? Not much, love. What you can do is hear it but not act on it. Hard, not advised by society, but it will be worth it in the end. Less broken hearts. Less confusion and less hardship. Thank you... And see you all on the other side.

These Voices...

You know those tormenting conversations in your head? Yeah those ones, the ones that you are quite certain that they'll never happen. Those conversations run through my head as if there was no tomorrow. Those conversations make me depressed angry usually. I then dream about them and everything turns our alright but in real life, there are still those all too real problems that torment a person into giving up life. It's hard. It's hard to go about the day as if nothing happened even with those shouting voices in your head. Those scoffs and laughs that are going toward you that you are trying to avoid. You run and hide with nowhere to go. Why can't this be easier? Why can't life hand you gifts instead of tricks? Why can't we just be friendly and not call it flirty all the time? Why can't tears by dried up more quickly? Why can't smiles, laughs and love be real? Why can't people be real? They seem to want to be plastic play things, and when you don't play the way they want, they move to a new owner. Why can't people see how terrible that lifestyle is? Why can't people see that as growing up to be a person that they might despise? Oh yeah, that'd mean they'd have to acknowledge that what they do is wrong. And we wouldn't want that, would we? No, never. And so everyone goes along the walk of life tripping on hearts, barely getting scratched. Those of us that bare the scars... well, we bare them unwillingly. They were placed upon us when we weren't looking sometimes. But those wounds that come around that way start hurting the most and suddenly when found. I've been shot through the heart (not literally). That's the way it feels anyway. The wound will heal but not for now. For now I'll keep going as I do and try to make sense of this torture. I'll have to go along with it, at least for a bit, and learn while I try hiding from all these voices, people and animals. Goodnight, see you all on the other side.

Possibly Not Something I Truly Know...

Even though I don't care much for human beings, animals aren't better. They can't communicate intelligently though some may wish it. I wish my ferret could speak to me, comfort me in different ways other than her constant almost knowing whether I'm feeling well or not. She doesn't truly comfort my feelings inside. Human beings seem to be good for that, when they know how to hug properly of course. Animals are smelly, ignorant things that sometimes seem to sense our feelings and seem to know a bit about the weather. As much as I dislike humans, I do actually have a few human friends that I appreciate. I have a few human friends that actually lift up my spirits when they seem to enjoy the floor life. There are only a few but apparently that's all that is really needed sometimes. You know, I do actually know that sometimes nothing helps. I have those feelings some days. And on those days I decide to go pretend to be someone social. I pretend my life is swell, as if things don't happen to me other than goodness. The reason I do this is because, instead of trying to keep myself inside and close everyone out, I try to comfort those outside so I might have a reason to forget my sorrows. It's hard sometimes because tears betray me and my words sometimes come out to tell the world what I actually feel. I'm told not to bottle up my feelings which I try to do anyway, I just don't enjoy showing the public the tears. Are my tears important? No, the rest of the world has so much more to cry about. Yet here I am, tearing up because I can't have all the wonders of the world, or just one boy. I now can only shake my head and tell myself "it's okay" and "It happens" as well as "That's about right". That's when I'm told "I deserve better" and such things as that. But I thought what I had WAS better. Well, apparently not. And so, I will go on looking for my 'better' that I supposedly 'deserve' and hope it finds me instead. Why it hasn't been found already? Well, perhaps it was found elsewhere by another more fortunate. I can only sigh and hope for a better, better than wheat I thought was good for me. I'll shrug, smile, laugh and enjoy the little things in life that I can. I hope some of you might join me? It will surely be a grand adventure. Wild, crazy and possibly dangerous but if we go together, maybe we'll find a safe place that is our better. Let us fly and believe that this "better" is real and is able to be found. Thank you...