When I wake up in the morning, I feel cared for. I feel loved and I feel happier, maybe I'm just numb. I feel as if I can have fun with the day! As the day drags on. I feel lonely. I feel how no one cares. I'm just a little firefly. Some find me fascinating at times while others find me to be a disgusting creature that they have deemed an embarrassment to society and their plans for their lives. I'm not sure what I'm here for. I feel like there really is a purpose for me but I feel as though its almost like my destiny to be bullied into doing what others want me to do. My family bullied me. Apparently the church told them to try and break a spirit that asked questions instead of just believing what they were told. I don't know why that makes sense to anyone. The way I was treated, it's surprising that I didn't just turn to all the drugs I could find and O.D. because I was made to feel like a piece of shit because someone else took hold of minds instead of being shown love. The reason I didn't turn to drugs or anything for a long time was because I told myself I wouldn't. Sometimes I want to change my mind because what's the point? I've been made to feel as though I am useless for most of my life. Maybe because I don't think like most people do. I don't like a lot of music that most people like. I'm just me and I can't change myself. You wouldn't believe how much I've tried. I've tried to just keep quiet and go with the flow. That's when I'm asked to speak up. When I do speak up I get ridiculed for not just instantly knowing something that apparently everyone else knows. I get ridiculed for not answering right away, thinking about my answer instead of spouting someone else's to seem cool. I'm currently not okay. I have so much weight on my shoulders. I finally now have someone that really tries to help me with that weight but I'm not good at allowing that. I carry the weight so others may be happy, that's how it's supposed to be right? No. No it's really not. I can be myself. I can lift these weights alone but I finally don't have to do it alone. How I got here to this point, I don't know. But I'm glad I waited. (This isn't an "unalive" note by the way. it's just I've been going through a lot and I need to really vent about it.)