Why must it be in my nature to be nice to others instead of being like those that treat me like shit all the time? Could I just not have these feelings or care? Could I instead be like these people that hurt me all the time? Why do I have to care for people and want someone to be happy when it's apparently not okay for me to be completely happy? Could I just, for one day feel nothing for anyone? Nothing romantic, no anger, no caring, nothing. That sounds like bliss. Feelings seem to get in the way of things. Do I just associate the good with the bad? That's really the only thing that makes sense. Why would my mind do that? Because trying to anticipate the bad instead of knowing good will come is not healthy. Apparently it makes sense to my mind. why? Because anticipating bad means I won't be so surprised by it. That doesn't mean I won't be emotional because of it, it just means instead of crying over it more, I'll be able to anticipate and not cry AS MUCH as I would if I didn't think it was going to happen. But that makes me paranoid and do stupid things that are supposed to make me happy but instead create a bigger hole in me. It creates more hurt. Why do I do these things though? Because I'm told by everyone around me to do "whatever makes me happy". But that never lasts. I need something and someone that lasts. I need a life that lasts. I need something and someone that can help me through this hurt. But I have trouble letting someone in to possibly help the hurt when they could be part of it eventually. Fear, that also isn't a great thing to be feeling about these things. I fear what people will think of me if I do certain things. It hurts me more though. But how do you just let go of an insecurity other than doing what makes me insecure? It hasn't been doing much so far but I continue to try because that's all I can do. I hope everyone is having a good night and I hope you guys find an insecurity fixer. Good night, love you guys.