The Christian God is an episode of 16 and Pregnant (I promise im not just mad at my mom or sister)

According to the church and how I grew up, God was said to have made us in his image. As I grew up I tried listening to the Christian God and how he wanted me be, act, what he wanted me to do and I was torn down by the family that I was put into as well as the friends I was given. I was only an accessory that said "these parents are doing well" or showing that I was problem because I asked questions instead of just accepting what was hammered into me. I did what he told me but it wasn't good enough. It wasn't good enough because I had to listen to my parents, it's in the Bible, look it up. I'm supposed to listen to my parents until I'm married. I tried to do exactly what they wanted, I wanted to be seen, heard and understood by them. I never was. One of my sisters took that role, and no it wasn't even the youngest. The youngest and I at least got along at all where this one sister, she lied, cheated, stole constantly, exaggerated and blamed things on me while I was just trying to do what I was meant to. And of course that sister has everything including my parents always on her side. You know who else is on her side? The Christian God. The Christian God cast me aside a long time ago, now I've cast him aside and of course he has tried to come back into my life while having the energy of one of my exes that molested me. He wanted me when I've been craving his love as well as my parents love since I was small. But I was taught to hate myself. I was taught to kill myself for anyone else instead of knowing that I was myself for a reason and it was okay. It was better Than okay for me to be myself. It's exactly what the world needs. They need my but most of all, I need me. I need me to understand and love me. I need me to do what scares me. I need me to heal. I need me to do what I need to do to get myself to where I can feel free. I can be free from these burdens of my family that were put on me from the beginning. I can be free and wonderful, smart and cute. I can be anything I need or want to be because I am now free. In other words, I am no longer a Christian. I haven't been one for a little while now and I didn't realize how much sick trauma that that religion has. I gobbled it all up too for far too long. Now I'm free to be myself and laugh with the gods that have shown their love and their intent with me. They act as if I'm important where the Christian God acts as if you're nothing special. The way I've learned Jehovah likes to show that you're special is by turning away and act as if you don't exist. Now I realize how fucked up that is. It's some kind of fucked up Stockholm syndrome, reverse psychology bullshit. You ignore to allow them to blossom? Sometimes you need more love. When you have a mind that tells you that everything you've ever done has fucked up everyone else's lives, you need more love. Constructive criticism is love but apparently there's a fine line. For example, one day my mom was telling me how photogenic a friend was. I asked if I was and she said no. Now that I've come out as non binary she likes to tell me how beautiful I am. She like to call me a "she" and "tries" to be respectful. She tells me that she wants to feel comfortable when she wasn't ever the one to help me feel comfortable. I did that. That's why I was Hyper self efficient as my therapist told me. I was that way because I felt my parents were unable to take care of me. When I said it out loud, I realized I really have been taking care of myself all my life. Yes, my parents bought clothes for me when I needed them and fed me when they could but they honestly got to the point where they basically were getting in the way of me taking care of myself spiritually and mentally. Now, as a non binary and almost 30 year old person, I don't want myself most of the time. I've thought I was disgusting and didn't like the word "deserve" because I never felt I "deserved" anything. Why? Because I was taught to hate myself. I was taught to lie to myself if it suited the "Almighty". I was taught to hurt myself but keep it down, "everyone else is more important than your feelings or your hurts". I was taught a lot of lies. From family and friends. From pastors and priests. From the Christian God. Ive been able to find a much better path that is helping me heal, in not just continuing to be angry at everyone that has and is doing me wrong. I'm learning to let go of burdens because they aren't mine and they never were. I took on everyone's burdens, feeling responsible for it in some way. They were never mine though. I took them but now I'm giving it all back, piece by piece, because I don't know how to do it any other way! But I'm learning as I'm helping my heart and my mind heal so that I may do as I must to get better.