Life Does Happen... I Don't Like It...

You know, I was terribly sad a few weeks ago and that's because life happens unexpectedly. You never know what's going to happen even when you have plans. Sometimes things just happen and you just have to go along for the ride. There was a lot I didn't understand because shock does that to me. Also, no one would or could explain to me why things were happening the way they were and that was hard. It was eating me up inside and I felt as though I couldn't function properly in the real world. It felt as though the world had tumbled down on me on accident and I woke up on the streets of some neighborhood that I had never been to. When I woke up I felt this dizziness that I knew was depression that gobbled me up from the start. I tried then and I'm still working on trying to push it away. It isn't healthy. It is especially hard when things keep happening or memories keep popping into my head. I can't shake these feelings sometimes. I hate feelings. They can be nice but more recently they've been tearing down and laughing at me because I can't get up. When I breathe I can feel my feelings try to poor out from any opening it can find just to let me know how much of a loser my mind might think I am. It sounds incredibly sad, I know, but it is the truth. my mind tells me I'm a loser. I try to push it away (usually) but sometimes my defenses aren't as strong and it pushes right through my British guards. It tells me I'm a loser and I don't deserve the good I have had and the good I want anyway. Some days I listen to it, crying and thinking it's true. Other days I shake it off and tell it to shut up. Today I just shrug, tomorrow I'll try shrugging some more and see how that helps. And on that note, goodbye and see you all on the other side.