Why Friends Ish?

It is interesting how easily a 'friend' seems to bounce away, seeming to think nothing of you and acting as if nothing ever happened between you. It happens. It hurts. Sometimes are hurts the heart so much and with some people they eat through that. Others, like me, aren't able to eat. Depression runs differently in our hearts and minds, making it difficult to eat or think straight. I look around remembering everything sometimes. I smile remembering the way you spoke, the way you looked when you spoke to me. This isn't even only people I've had an romantic interest in at all, this happens to be people I thought of as great friends. People that I thought I'd always have in my life until they decided to kick me into the dust. I sometimes feel empty and meaningless when I think of these people that I wanted in my life for forever. Sometimes I remember each detail of someone, I remember when they were happy because I was around and how quickly that changed. Afterwards, I wonder how much of that was real. I miss them still and I shouldn't. I have better people in my life, but sometimes I feel some sort of hole in my heart and I want to fill it with those that I should never be around. I sometimes feel the need for the junk food that I've picked up from that dumpster of the past. Am I the only one? Certainly not! Interestingly enough, I advise my friends against doing this very thing. I advise many things concerning friendship and relationships though I can not seem to listen to myself. Why can't I listen to myself concerning these things? I suppose it is as Stephen Chbosky puts it: "We accept the love we think we deserve." It is true. Everyone knows it though not everyone is willing to acknowledge it always. I acknowledge it when it comes to my friends and I let my friends know how much more they deserve but I kick myself to the curb because I've been kicked into thinking that I deserve that. Isn't it interesting that I know this, yet I continue in my self pity, quietly in the corner? This corner being in my mind, of course. Sometimes when I smile I want to scream to the world my sorrows that are going through my mind. But then I think 'it doesn't matter. My sorrows, my thoughts. They don't matter.' It's hard not to think that sometimes. Sometimes I forget I have good friends when I think of the past friends that hurt me so deeply. It's stupid, yes, but diving deep and down into yourself is always a bad idea. Thinking of only the bad is always bad for you. It's sickening, it gets annoying for people if you dwell on it and it is unhealthy. It's very hard to keep on your feet also, though. It's hard to keep walking forward. Sometimes it's hard to see the beauty around you such as the blue sky and trees. I know, I'm hopeless. I'll find some light somewhere. I know it. When I do I'll tell the world. I'll tell you how I found it. I'll tell you stories, I'll tell you how wonderful it was. I'll let you feel the cool of how the love and happiness can wash through you in an instant in this cruel, cruel world. For now, all we can do is breathe. For now, all we can do is close our eyes and hope rest might take over. But restfulness, at least for me, hasn't been friendly to me the past few weeks. It is driving my insane with how tired I feel. Well, I'll find some happiness. Some days that is so easy but other days... I can't figure out how those days went. I can't figure out how to bring that happiness, I can't find anything extra. Maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow is always a new possibility with even more and newer possibilities expanding with each decision anyone makes. I can only shrug for now and hope tomorrow is a new day I really want to look forward to. I won't know until I get there. Until then, goodnight friends. See you all on the other side.